Transcribed by Colin Farrington and Bill Atkins

Contents List The Gallery Underground Press WC Paper - Roll 2


 

Background

Roll 2 had less pages than Roll 1, but was quarto (A4ish) so about the same amount in it I think.  We had a copy of the original to hand when writing this; the College song is reprinted from Roll 1, the Fairy Story is a continuation.

From memory it mainly was the Upper VI of Cavell that did the bulk of the planning & writing (they were the 1st form of Gloucester when Roll 1 came out!).  As to who wrote what article, time has faded the memory.  I could take a guess on some but it would be a guess.  I remember papers being read and discussed in the various rooms during that summer term when we were revising.

As to names of those involved, I would suggest most of my year had some involvement.  I won't claim to have written anything myself, but was there!  The UVI were Roj Keely, Chaz Robins, Steve Mason, Mike Warnes, Jack Wright, Granny Watts, and myself ( I believe there were possibly 2 more, but names escape me now!).  How it was circulated and when, I can't remember.  The Roll 1 came out on the last morning of term, but our year all left immediately following their last exam, so none of us were there on the last morning of term.

Colin Farrington


The Magazine Articles

As far as possible, transcription has retained all of the original typographical and spelling errors.

Dedication
The Intro
De Scolastis Rebelisque
Lelletia Has a Large One
In praise of Mrs Mc Hamlet
Advert for Bristows Books + Cartoon
Excerpt from The other Mag
Porquoi pas de Cheveux?
A Crow Dross (anag.)
Quotes
Joke
March of the Hypocrites
Elegy
Round the houses
Quote of the year
The Fairy Story: Part Two
The 10 Commandments - Wymondham style
(D)Evolution?
The PSA Voice
Jokes
Crossword Solution
The College Song
Two quotes for analysis
Rear Cover


Dedication

Dedicated to Ray.
He must have been a great bloke!

W.C. Paper is an entirely non-profitmaking cause.
All monies go to local charities. This year they
are:

Help The Aged, 8 Wellington Rd., Norwich;

and The Norfolk and Norwich Society for Mentally
Handicapped Children, Burlingham House,
North Burlingham.

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The Intro

It has been said that Wymondham College is sadly lacking in tradition. It has the potential of a fine educational establishment given time and some academic and administrative alterations, but, alas, the basic gut feeling of unity is marked by its absence.

One of the major objectives of this mag is to found within the college a tradition most highly respected in its integrity and inevitability by the institution. Whether this is accepted or not is irrelevant. What is important is that W.C. students are, on the whole, concerned about the lack of solid foundations to their organisation. We are asking for neither a new set of petty restrictions, nor an increase of religious pomp and circumstance, but for a reasonable set of lasting values and tradition.

So, back to the second roll. It is the roll normally found wedged behind the cistern or on the windowsill. When the cleaner has neglected to renew the roll on the holder, we must revert to this. Such is the case here. The “cleaners” were prevented from publishing the roll some three years ago, (mercifully no action was taken), and so we feel it our duty to replenish the supply now. It is now seven years, a generation of W.C. students, since Roll One appeared. Similarly shall Roll Three arise as the Phoenix from the ashes seven years hence, as will successive rolls until Doomsday.

We would hasten to emphasise, just in case you are one of those distasteful little characters with furtively active, devious, nasty minds that might twist anything in this, our humble mag, for their own odious means, that all characters and institutions mentioned are entirely fictitious, and that any resemblance to those live, left or deceased is purely coincidental.

We would like to add that we hope this is accepted as the humorous, harmless rebelry as it was intended, but not without some sincere comment.

Finally, please patronise the advertisers, and support the charities. Thanks for your donation in buying this mag.

The Syndicate.

De Scholastis Rebelisque.

Whilst it is not our intention to gloat over the achievements of the few whose example shames us all, we feel that the following deserve mention for their outstanding performances. They are;-

    Nellie Could,

    Ivor Dewdrop,

    Sledge Hammer,

    The Timbers,

    Larry the Lamb,

and      Don’t say brown say -.

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Lellitia Has A Large One

Lellita has a large one, and so has cousin Luce,
Eliza has a small one though large enough for use.

Beneath a soft and glossy curl, each Lass has one in front,
To find it in an animal you at the tail must hunt.

A child may have a little one enclosed within a clout,
In fact all females have one, no girl is born without.

All fowls have one (not cocks of course) and though prolific breeders
The fact that fish have none at all is known to piscine breeders.

Hermaphrodites have none, Mermaids are minus too,
Nell Gwynn possessed a double share if books we read are true.

It’s used by all in Nuptial Bliss, in Carnal Pleasure found.
Destroy it, Life becomes extinct; the world is but a sound.

Lasciviousness here has its source, Harlots its use employ.
Without it Lust has never been, and even Love would die.

Now tell me what this wonder is, but pause before you guess it
If you are Mother, Maid or Man I swear you don’t possess it!

Answer follows X-Word solution.

Said the curious old lady to the Scotsman,
"Excuse me, sir, for being curious, but what do you wear under those short kilts?"
The Scotsman looked at her for a moment
With cocked eyebrow and answered,
"Madam, I’m a man of few words. Give me your hand."

V.O.

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In Praise of Mrs McHamlet

I intend to write an article in praise of nice people.  But, you may wish to know first who are the people that I consider nice.  Well, ministers of religion are nice, and maiden aunts are invariably nice, especially, of course, when they are rich, although the type, alas, now hardly exists except among the old.

Mercifully the survivors still wield great power!  They control education, where they endeavour, not without success, to preserve a Victorian standard of hypocrisy; they control legislation on what are called "moral issues," and have thereby created and endowed the great profession of bootlegging.  They keep alive innumerable pleasures which otherwise would be quickly ended by a surfeit; for example, the pleasure of hearing bad language on the television, or of seeing there a slightly larger amount of bare skin than is customary (remember Mrs Whitemouse!).

The chief characteristic of nice people is the laudable practice of improvement upon reality.  God made the world, but nice people feel that they could have done the job better.  There are many things in the divine handiwork which, while it would be blasphemous to wish them otherwise, it would be by no means nice to mention.  Divines have held that if our first parents had not eaten the apple the human race would have been replenished by some innocent mode of vegetation.  The Divine plan in this respect is certainly mysterious.  It is all very well to regard it, as the aforesaid divines do, in the light of punishment of sin, but the trouble with this view is that while it may be a punishment for the nice people, the others, alas, find it quite pleasant.  It would seem, therefore, as if the punishment had been made to fall in the wrong quarter.  One of the main purposes of the nice people is to redress this no doubt unintended injustice. They endeavour to secure that the biologically ordained mode of vegetation shall be practised either furtively or frigidly and that those who practice it furtively, shall, when found out, be in the power of the nice people, owing to the damage that may be done to them by expulsion or scandal.  They endeavour to ensure also that as little as possible shall be known on the subject, in a decent way, so they try to get the censor to forbid books and plays which represent the matter otherwise than as occasion for sniggering nastiness.

Nice people very properly suspect pleasure wherever they see it.  In old days children were taught that "One stroke of the almighty rod can send all young sinners quick to Hell" and it was understood that this was likely to happen if children became boisterous or indulged in any activity such as was not calculated to fit them for the ministry.

It has become sadly common to wish children to enjoy themselves and it is to be feared that those who have been educated on these lax principles will not display adequate horror of pleasure when they grow up.  The day of nice people, I fear, is nearly over; two things are killing it.  The first is the belief that there is no harm in being happy, provided no-one else is the worse for it.  The second is the dislike of humbug, a dislike of which is quite as much aesthetic as moral.  Both these results were encouraged by the wars, when the nice people in all countries were securely in control, and in the name of the highest morality induced the young people to slaughter one another.  This was the morality that dropped the bomb.  When it was all over the survivors began to wonder whether lies and misery inspired by hatred constituted the highest virtue.

The essence of nice people is that they hate life as manifested in the tendencies to co-operation, in the boisterousness of children and above all in sex, with the thought of which they are obsessed.  In a word, nice people are those who have nasty minds.

Thomas Mann

"Kill the pig, cut his throat, spill his blood."

William Golding

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Excerpt From the Other Mag

“The Warden Writes”, .......... reads and is moderately good at sums.
Any offers of employment, please, to:

Miss Jane Lykes,
The Cockwell Inn,
Tillet,
HERTS.

Porquoi pas de Cheveux?

After my second week of the first term it came to my notice that “They” wanted to see me. A three-quarter hour wait in a freezing, cold, bare, empty room was followed by the door swinging open of it’s own accord. “Phsychological warfare”, I thought, passing through. But no, it was a combination of the wind and a broken latch. The guard threw me back in. Twenty minutes later the door was flung open and a stony faced member of
the Bowman Youth said “Komm”. I kommed.

I was led to a room that had a large notice on the door,

John.N
4
Chris.P

Inside was a brutal looking man with a sadistic smile on his furry face, a pair of clippers in one hand, and a sharpened steel comb in the other. Struck by the terror of his looks I remained motionless, but was pushed forward from behind. The door slam-med and was firmly locked, barred and, bolted. His mouth twisted into an evil grin, and he indicated that I should sit on The Chair. I advanced slowly, terror building up in my body, my mouth dry. Letting out a fiendish cackle a white sheet was spun around me, from the neck downwards, fastening me securely to The Chair. He stood back and admired his handiwork. “You Bastard” he muttered under his breath. Slowly, Lazily, he plugged his clippers into the socket, conveniently placed under the window, then he rested his fag on the window ledge. “I hate you” he mouthed, his nostrils flaring and his eyeballs foaming. He paused.

Desperately I thought. “He’s only human, I think” I thought. “Small talk. Talk to him. Perhaps he’s lonely” I thought. Fearfully I plucked my courage up, a lump came to my throat and as he advanced towards me, I stuttered out- “P-P-Please, what d-do you do for a living ?.......”

XXXXXXXX

Thinks:- “I mistrust all sympathizers and avoid them. The will to a system is a lack of integrity” Nietzsche

“Kill the Pig, cut his throat, spill his blood”   William Golding

“Come back Ray, all is forgiven”    Sports Hall.

“The organs of the state must practice democratic centralism, they must rely on the masses and their personnel must serve the people”

Mao Tse-Tung.

“Praise him who loves to see young lovers.”    Hymn.

“School say haircut, -School pay haircut!”     Anon.

“If one wants slaves, one is a fool to educate them to be masters.”

Nietzsche.

 

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A CROW DROSS. (anag.) 4, 5.

 

 

Clues:-

 

ACROSS.

3.    Male organ of generation. (6)

9.    Usurped metallic hemisphere. (4)

10.   Would you like to kick the Warden? (3) (11 follows.)

11.   IN what? (6) (12 follows)

12.   Kiss him better. (2)

13.   Half a pair of ghoulies. (5)

14.   Timetable tycoon. (4, 1)

16.   Ex-Schools' roofing officer. (8)

19.   Learned law. (2)

20.   Leader of college resistance movement. (3)

21.   War cry of 14 across. (8)

23.   4 minus 1. (3)

25.   Relief giving aquatic passover. (3)

27.   Non-restricted zone. (6)

29.   Phallic building. (8)

32.   Morley rodent. (3)

33.   Meditations of the ex-haircut king. (4)

34.   Bank in Lincoln? (5)

 

DOWN.

1.    See 22 down.

2.    Are you getting enough of it? (9)

3.    Local Metropolis. (8)

4.    That is. (2)

5.    Loudspeaker (abbvn.) (2)

7.    Loveletter to Eric. (6) (Anag.)

8.    Mating call of 14 across. (9)

13.   T.C.'s Aunt? (3)

15.   The Warden's pair. (1, 1)

17.   GGroup spirit. (8)

18.   Come back, all is forgiven. (7)

22 and 1.  High protein ruler. (4, 6)

24.   Archer departed. (3)

25.   Double your pleasure of 25 across. (2)

26.   College association analagous to 30 down. (3)

27.   (2) (2) or not (2) (2) (2)

28.   Naval gastropod. (4)

30.   Anti-orange (3) (By courtesy - Military Police)!!!

31.   32D. (3)

N.B. There is NO clue 6.!

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Quotes

 

    "When the inner difficulties of the social structure produce dissatisfaction in individuals, revolutionary movements in religion or in politics ultimately and inevitably develop."

Paul Tillich.

 

  "The principal of liberal democracy, which inspired the founders of the American Constitution, was that controversial questions should be decided by argument rather than by force."

Bertrand Russell.

 

Joke.

I was sitting in a crowded pub

next to a party of four men, when

one of them let out a scream of agony

and fell to the floor clutching his guts

"What's up?", a friend asked.                 

"Yers!", came the gasped reply.                   

"What's 'yers'?",                                       

"OH, a pint of Guinness, please!"

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March of the Hypocrites

With apologies to T.S. Eliot

 

Blue, cream, yellow, green and white

    they come

Over the mud.

And the blazers. And the gowns. And so many colours.

How many? Count them. And such a press of people.

We hardly knew ourselves that day, or knew the School.

This is the way to the hall, and we so many crowding the way.

So many waiting, how many waiting? What did it matter,

    on such a day?

Are they coming? No, not yet.  You can see some gowns.

    And hear the grunting.

Here they come.  Is He coming?

We can wait with our painful seats and hymn-books.

Who comes first? Can you see? Tell us. It is

    All the staff,

    and Families,

    in gowns of many colours.

    And then the choir,

    and then the band

    with their kilted organist.

And then we wait,

        and wait,

            and wait.

What a time they take. Will it be he now? No,

Those are the School Captains, these the Prefects,

And now comes the Warden and Deputy. Look

There He is now, look:

There is no feeling in His eyes

Or in the hands, holding the written speech,

And the eyes watchful, waiting, perceiving, indifferent.

All hidden under the glowing gown, hidden in the morbid suit,

Under the Sports-hall roof at ten,

At the dead point of the week.

 

Now they go up to the platform.

Now comes the choir to sing,

And now the Hymns,

And, Lord! The sermon!

And the presentation by the Staff.

That is all we could see.  But the gowns! and who did

    not have one?

Then He is gone.

HE IS GONE!

And we yawn

and stretch

and wonder, why?

We sat and listened and did not understand.

Wasted

    Wasted

        Time flies by!

 

Adapted by Henriquo Manuel Speedy Gonzales

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Elegy (or the seven year itch)

 

Rust, rust and decay!
The bitter huts, the carried walls, the overtones of grey.
Are these the images of happier years arousing feeble joy
in the longings of an old man once more to be a boy?
I say not!
The undertones live on.
The paper-tiger teachers, their knees all bent to Ron.

 

The system! It’s the system!
Miasmal in its ways.
With inane banners in the sky – “Methodism Pays!”

 

I’m ill! I’m out! I’ve had my share
Naiive “Good Byes”, “Good Lucks”, “We do hopes you does well!”
It’s sad to leave, but Pig’s about
Lang syne can go to hell!

 

Allright, goodbye. I’m gone,
Gone to walk the lonelier way of living.
Along oblivions footsteps,
Amidst the turmoil we call “Life”.
Floreat Sapientia?

The last twist of the knife!

Joe Pimp.

__________oOo__________

oOo

 

Round the houses:-

 

“I seem to detect a certain lack of immaturity in the 6th form.”
“I have to –ah- use Matron as a –ah- mistress”
“And I don’t want to see **** on the floor!”
“Go and throw this paperweight through the Warden’s window.”
“Kill the pig, cut his throat, spill his blood!”
“I liked the one about the two flies!”
“There will be an inter-course mass debate in Butler Hall tomorrow.”

 

QUOTE OF THE YEAR.

 

“ LEt ‘s hopeour ‘A’ X – level R^esultts come


out better thanthis bllody typing-? .!.’”

 

The Syndicate.

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The Fairy Story: Part Two

The story so far ......

 

Long ago in Topsy-Turvy land lived the good King Ray who ruled over his countless minions confined in six mansions within the bounds of his great kingdom.  He played many jokes with his people, who loved him dearly for his measureless mirth.  All was not well, however, for it was once rumoured that a high-ranking nobleman had substituted a concrete block for his highness.  This wicked rumour was soon dispelled by the return of the merry monarch who, true to form, contrived new wheezes to tickle the ribs of his studious subjects.

 

But, sadly, the King's life had to terminate with the story in the last edition.  He died despite the efforts of the Boston Nurse after being struck by an arrow from the bow of a treacherous nobleman.  As we left Topsy-Turvy land his heartbroken subjects shuffled forlornly around his funeral pyre.

 

The story continued:

 

For many moons the bereaved subjects mourned, but anon came a whisper through the court; the King had been sighted, roaming an area near the bubbling cauldrons of the Dreaded Boston Nurse.  The truth was revealed.  Boston had taken the monarch, substituting the concrete replica to the pyre, and was in the process of creating and ever-more evil monster to tyrannise the land.

 

Oh! How the tears of joy flowed as it was realised that the Good King was alive, and what surprise when it was noticed that his humour had taken a new form!  He was now truly benevolent.  A kindly, just man.  One to trust respect, and admire .... The wicked Boston had surgically (and otherwise) removed all qualities less than good from the old King, and was implanting them on her new prototype - the evil Fondaldstein!  By the same token were the good (and therefore undesirable) characteristics of Fondaldstein grafted onto the Old King.

 

Relegated to a broom-cupboard off the main highway the Old King, free from all vices, (or free from all mind as some said), slowly vegetated.  It was even rumoured that he could no longer employ his verbal and mental faculties to the full.  Full length oratories on the persistence of the land's weather became meaningful comments on topical matters; Sunday services no longer took place at 7 p.m.; Sir Pube's record players had to revert to their woodwind.  In short, the King showed signs of sanity.

 

Realising that sanity does not equate with stability, Fondaldstein moved in for the kill.  With cool, calculating cunning he overthrew the old gentleman and his nobles, usurping the throne, and exiling the court to Arden Racecourse.

 

"Ray chastised you with whips. Yea, we shall chastise you with methodism!" came the cry as Fondaldstein's regime advanced and gathered momentum.  Under the guise of modernisation and the myth of a liberal approach the subjects suffered.  They suffered and became unrested, and then ...... (and this IS true, folks), they formed the ........ the ........ THE SYNDICATE!

 

The syndicate was formed as a result of dissatisfaction and its aims are to present forcibly, yet responsibly, the views of the subjects to the system.  We all wish to emphasise that we are not at all responsible for any "loutish behaviour" which may occur, but we hope that we may be recognised, and do a bit of good for our charities.

 

What happens to Fondaldstein?  Does King Ray return?  Will the Syndicate free the subjects from the clutches of doom?

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The Ten Commandments:- Wymondham Style.

 

1) Thou shalt wear thy hair no longer than very short lest thee cause OFFENCE to mine eye.

 

2) Thou shalt tie thy tie like I tie my tie lest anyone should become DIFFERENT.

 

3) Thou shalt not wear shoes, the soles of which are any colour but BLACK.

 

4) Thou shalt at all times write thy name in a book before thou dost ANYTHING lest Thou incur the displeasure of our Lord.

 

5) Thou shalt apply thyself diligently at all times to the business of picking up Litter even though it number ten thousand times a polo wrapper.

 

6) Thou shalt not wear a bra of no colour but the purest white lest thy bosom be offended.

 

7)Thou shalt ensure that thy trousers do not become baggy below the knee for else they appear to be FLARED which is a BLASPHEMY to the eye of the Lord.

 

8) Thou shalt not listen to the radio in the morning lest it spoil thy digestion, or thy appetite for MORNING ASSEMBLY which is a most holy institution.

 

9) Thou shalt observe that all pupils are equal, yet some are more equal than others for they shall be set apart from the others, working for the enlightenment at one of the two HOLY TRINITIES.

 

10) Thou shalt not kiss the body of the opposite sex for a period exceeding 3.125 seconds, lest thee shall become NORMAL, nor a body of the same sex for any period Exceeding 3.112 seconds lest thee shall become PERVERT.

Thou shalt not question at any time these instructions, which were given to our Lord by Divine Revalation. Nor shalt thou at any time dare to contravene them, for fear of eternal damnation (Norwich Tech.). But whosoever of ye that observe these Commandments will get GOOD REFERENCES and shall find eternal salvation at OXBRIDGE.

 

St. Thomas Aquinas.

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(D)Evolution?

 

  In early times primitive man discovered how to domesticate animals. He learnt to take an animal, bend it’s will to his own, and train it to suit his purpose. He could manipulate his tame animals to carry out jobs for him, to obey him unquestioningly, and he taught his animals to be happy with their lot in life. He practised very unnatural selection by weeding out any beast that showed a spirit of rebellion, which did not conform entirely with his will. When he had created his herd, the primitive man no doubt nodded with satisfaction and murmured (in a primitive language) “domesticated animals”.


  Today we prefer to call this phenomenon of unnatural selection .....

 

The End of The Corridor.

 

Thomas Henry Huxley

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The P.S.A. Voice

with apologies to

D.H. Lawrence

When you hear it snorting

and snivelling and grunting through the snout,

        the P.S.A. voice

        or worse still

        the would be P.S.A. voice

You don't even laugh any more, you can't.

 

For every blooming bird is a P.S.A. cuckoo nowadays,

You can't walk on break, nor on the covered way

as it spits foully and vilely on the back of your neck.

 

And oh, so horribly superior, so horribly

        self-effacingly

        depreciatingly

        superior --

 

We wouldn't insist on it for a moment

        but we are

        we are

        you admit we are

        superior --.

 

Adapted by Henriquo Manuel Speedy Gonzales

 

"During the past centuries, one important reason for alienation was that the human being lent his biological individuality to the technical (and educational?) apparatus: he was the bearer of tools (and books); technical (AND MENTAL) units could not be established without incorporating man as a bearer of tools (and brains) into them.  The nature of this occupation was such that it was both psychologically and physiologically deforming in its effect."

Gilbert Simondon

 

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Jokes

 

Overheard at a Barn Freak-Out:-

Jokes supplied by V. Omit

"If I have just one drink I can

feel it.  After two drinks I can feel

it a bit more, but after three drinks -

anyone can feel it!"

 

Heard about the termite who

went down to the woodyard for

free board?

 

An Irishman's quiz on Scotch whisky.

 

1). Are you Irish?  Yes / No.  (If you are cross out "no".)

 

2). Do you know what Scotch whisky is?  Yes / No. (if you do go back to question 1. and try again.)

 

3). What is the purpose of Scotch whisky?

(i) To dilute Irish whisky?

 

(ii) To ruin the head on your enemy's pint of Guinness?

 

(iii) To pour into the lavatory bowl when you've got bladder cramp so that nobody knows?

 

(iv) To take as a laxative?

 

(v) Or a contraceptive?

Compiled by Brian O'Reily.

 

A man walked into a bar (ouch!) and slipped over in a neatly placed dog turd.  On seeing that the damage to his clothes was not extensive he decided to stay for a drink.  Not two minutes later, Paddy Murphy walked in and likewise came to grief.

 

"I just did that," said the first.

 

Paddy got 15 years for manslaughter.

 

Q. How do you make an Irishman laugh on a Monday?

A. Tell him a joke on Friday.

 

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Crossword Solution
(and answer to 'Lellita has a Large One')

 

Click HERE and use your Browser's <BACK> button to return.

 

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The College Song

Throughout the College history
Remains an unsung mystery,
That monster of iniquity,
The psychedelic College Song.
And every Speech Day that comes round
We all must make this boring sound,
To please the staff, all robed and gowned
And suffer bravely all this wrong.
This exhibition, sad we blame,
"Our College Song is, all the same,
Infernal Rubbish!" we exclaim.
Floreat Sapientia etc.

Let Wymondham College students see
That they reject pomposity
By trampling on this tripe we see;
Floreat Sapientia.
Let common sense and modesty
Our double inspiration be,
That we may laugh with constancy
At Floreat Sapientia.
And when this stupid song is sung,
We may proclaim with honest tongue
Our final judgement "Load of dung!"
At Floreat Sapientia etc.

The immortal Charlie Parker

We thought that to finish off this mag it might be a good idea to recall the above verses which appeared in the last edition.  They are adapted from the original College Song which was traditionally performed at each speech day, prize giving etc.

 

True, the lyrics left something to be desired, but it was an anthem behind which the college stood or fell.  Now we have mercifully been released from the rusting chains of Victorian absolutism wouldn't it be nice to have a vehicle for unity, respect, and moderate tradition in the College?

 

The Syndicate

666999 - Wow!

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Two quotes for analysis :-

 

    "I can't understand my sixth forms."

 

    "I don't want to be a despotic head."

 

May we respectfully suggest that an effort be made by both sides to ensure that Wymondham does not degenerate to the level of a second rate educational factory, but stands alone and above as a developer of character and intellect.

"What they wear is called uniform; may what they conceal with it not become uniform too!"

Nietzsche

 

We care, for we have spent seven of the best years of our lives here.

 

The Syndicate

 

"And after this, our exile?"

 

T.S. Eliot


 

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Contents List Our Memories Underground Press WC Paper - Roll 2

 

 

 

 

 

Wymondham College Remembered